The Bobby Kennedy Treatment

This was written by James Andre Fontaine

Name: James Andre Fontaine
Nationality: British National (Specifically: British Protected Person)
Occupation: Professional
Age: 42
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 10 Stone
Religion: Catholic
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Current Residence: Unites States of America

J getting dressed

James Andre Fontaine puts on his gray Brunello Cucinelli Solid Gabardine wool suit. He tucks an Arturo Fuente cigar, unwrapped, unsealed, into his inner coat pocket. He does this not because he smokes, he abhors it, in fact, but there is a certain classiness and sophistication the aroma such a fine cigar produces. He laces up his Salvatore Ferragamo oxfords and tucks an Armani tie (cost: $250.00) into his inside pocket opposite the cigar. He’s not a tie man, but certain occasions call for a tie and he likes to be prepared. His shirt, if you’re wondering, is custom tailored from Saks 5th Avenue.

J at breakfast

One donut, plain, shoved down his mouth. One pot of coffee, Jamaica Blue Mountain, imported, peppered with, of all things, Coffee-mate Non Dairy Creamer (powdered). He jams a tin of Altoids into his pants pocket.

J at 6:00 AM

buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz SLAP!

A dream

Wearing a sandwich board he stands on the corner of a moderately busy intersection. The sandwich board has the following hand-written message:

Lost my job when I was falsely arrested and convicted of aggravated assault and armed robbery. I was released after serving two years of a seven year sentence when additional information discovered by my lawyer proved my innocece innocence. I also lost my home in the process, granted I was renting at the time, but I was at least established. Now I live at the YMCA and even though my so-called criminal record has been expunged I can't shake the ex-con stigma. I also believe

[Reverse side of sign]

in God and Jesus Christ, Our Savior. Somewhat unrelated, the Communist Party needs to be contained at all costs. It poses a serious threat and danger to this country! Don't be fooled! They are all around us and look just like each and every one of us. It is in this ability to "blend" where they have the greatest chance to succeed in undermining the values of the United States. There is no such thing as being too pro-active concerning THE RED THREAT. Additionally, any spare change would be appreciated. I just want to get something to eat. Thank you AND God Bless!

A woman approaches him and suggests he judiciously edit his sign.
She thinks streamlining is important in a situation like this and
J should just pick one message, make it brief and run with it.

J considers this and makes the following alterations:

Lost my job when I was falsely arrested and convicted of aggravated assault and armed robbery. I was released after serving two years of a seven year sentence when additonal information discovered by my lawyer proved my innocece innocence. I also lost my home in the process, granted I was renting at the time, but I was at least established. Now I live at the YMCA and even though my so-called criminal record has been expunged I can't shake the ex-con stigma. I also believe

[Reverse side of sign]

in God and Jesus Christ, Our Savior. Somewhat unrelated, the Communist Party needs to be contained at all costs. It poses a serious threat and danger to this country! Don't be fooled! They are all around us and look just like each and every one of us. It is in this ability to "blend" where they have the greatest chance to succeed in undermining the values of the United States. There is no such thing as being too pro-active concerning THE RED THREAT. Additionally, any spare change would be appreciated. I just want to get something to eat. Thank you AND God Bless!

Wednesday at the cafe

"Double Espresso, touch of cream."

Reading a magazine

Folded over spine, displaying one page only, not two.

On the IRA cease fire of 1997

"Those Protestants ought to get the hell out of Ireland and right back into the hell of Scotland."

Music

He can hear his neighbor practicing the piano. He's playing Bach. Without Bach, J believes God would only be a secondary character.

Saved

A man takes J by the hand and walks him into the river. They’re both up to their waists in water now and then J is under; the man supporting the back of J’s head with one hand and the other hand on the small of J’s back. J can’t feel the ground anymore, as though the man is suspending J’s body in the water, achieving a near parallel ratio with body and river. He can’t breathe, he can’t see, he no longer knows what is up and what is down, what is right and what is wrong. Water enters his nose and he gasps in panic as water floods through him. Symmetry with the water is achieved with the body. J realizes this is a Protestant baptism and the man a pastor. A new kind of panic sets in as J feels his Catholic values escape him. The man continues to hold J under. Only now it feels as though the man is pulling him down, holding him from returning to the surface. J is powerless in the man’s hands. Should he live or die beyond this day it will be decided by this man. He is risen and so he breathes. He looks at the pastor, asking him why he used a river. The pastor explains that Protestantism is relatively new compared to Catholicism, in that it has only existed since modern times, meaning that Protestants, since their inception, have never had to deal with the concept of water shortages and water supply. This makes sense, but J’s concerns turn towards the suspected loss of his Catholicism. The pastor assures him that this is not the case, nor is it relevant if it is the case, which it may in fact be, and suggests that J check with his priest to find out. Before leaving, the pastor tells him, Protestant or Catholic, it doesn’t matter, there is only one God, and then instructs him to keep breathing and dry off so does not catch cold.

The Staircase

It’s so much. So many steps. He’s been climbing for over twenty minutes. Forty minutes now and his legs burn, his back aches. Does this have a summit, he wonders. Finally, he reaches the top. There’s a door. It’s locked. He knocks on the door. Slowly it opens. There’s a priest inside waiting for J. He instructs J to enter and J does as told, closing the door behind him. There is nobody else, nothing else, but the two men in this room. He asks J why he was come all this way. He has no answer for him at first; then looks up at the priest and tells him that he just saw the staircase and it seemed the logical thing to do. And now, do you see the door, asks the priest.

The Hotel

He’s in a ballroom now, filled with people. It’s getting so that even breathing is hard. His assistant comes up to him and leads him through a side door and into the kitchen where the man tells him not to worry, that this is just a short cut. But J doesn’t know where he’s going. A 24-year-old Palestinian gentleman approaches J and whispers into his ear. J turns white and passes out.

On Organized Labor

“Organized labor begets corruption.” He writes a book against unionization and then orders a high-ranking member of the Teamsters Union to be assassinated.

Undressed

In order of removal

• Shoes
• Suit Coat
• Dress Shirt
• Undershirt
• Belt (He forgot to wear a belt today)
• Suit Pants
• Socks
• Undershorts
• Home
• Country
• Life
• Corporeal Body
• Spotlight
• Religion

On Last Words

"If knowledge of death is known in advance, the least we can do as human beings is offer our fellow man the courtesy of last words. This knowledge of death includes pre-meditated murder; please plan on giving your victim this opportunity should this scenario ever apply to you. It is also common courtesy that in any situation where the dying party has a will that you do your best to ensure that the will is notarized."